


How Lovino Stole Christmas

by The_Great_Deprussian



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Adaptation of The Grinch, Christmas, Christmas Crack, Crack, Feli is Max btw, I put thought into those time skips, I quote the Jim Carry Grinch cuz that's the best one, If I had a dollar for everytime Lovi told Feli to shut up I'd be rich, It's impossible, Lovi is the Grinch, Lovi's just being a jerk to Feli guys, M/M, No actually don't try, Time Skips, Toni is stupid af, Why did I even write this?, change my mind, seriously, smol fluff, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28278144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Great_Deprussian/pseuds/The_Great_Deprussian
Summary: All the Whos down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot. But Lovino, who lived just north of Who-ville, did not.It's How the Grinch Stole Christmas, but Hetalia and gay. Pretty self-explanatory. Also, be warned, Lovi is a major jerk to Feli. So . . .
Relationships: France/England, South Italy & North Italy, Spain/South Italy
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	How Lovino Stole Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Vorrei che fosse così = Wish that was the case  
> Fratello = Brother

“Ugh.” Lovino Vargas scowled as he watched the kids run down the slope of Mt. Crumpit, shrieking with fear, “Serves ‘em right. Those Yule-tide loving, sickly-sweet, nog-sucking cheer mongers!”

He folded his arms across his chest, “I _really_ don’t like ‘em. Uh-uh. No I do not.”

Lovi glanced at his watch, then, behind him, at his door, “Oi! Feli! C’mere! Unfortunately, we need to go out! And bring our coats too!”

There was a yelp and a crash, then the door swung open and Lovi’s brother stuck his head out, “Are we getting stuff for Christmas?”

“Tch. Of course not. What sort of monster do you think I am!” Lovi snorted, “Now hurry and get your arse out here.”

Feliciano sighed and walked out the rest of the way, “You know, you could at least _try_ to like Christmas. You might be happier that way!”

“What?” Lovi scoffed, “I’m happy! Happy all alone, with no one else around.”

“Hey! Then what am I! You have me around, don’t you?!” Feli pouted.

Lovi waved a hand, “Don’t talk nonsense. You aren’t company. You’re my dog.”

“I’m not a dog!”

Lovi shrugged and started down the mountain, “Whatever. For the millionth time, just hurry up.”

Down at the town, people gave him wary looks and skirted well out of his way. Lovi scowled in response while Feli trailed behind, smiling apologetically. Ignoring the few people who called “Merry Christmas” and the odd greeting, Lovi stomped to the general store. There, he groaned at the sight of a certain cheerful Spaniard.

“Lovi! Glad to see you! You haven’t been down in a few weeks, I worried you might’ve died!” Antonio smiled.

“Vorrei che fosse così.” Lovi muttered, ignoring Toni.

“And Feli! Good to see you’re doing well!”

“Hi there Toni!”

Lovi kept silent and ducked his head as he hurried around the store, grabbing food and supplies. He did _not_ want to be there any longer than needed to be. Finally, he had to pay and he did so with lots of angry grunts and glares.

“Have a good day you two!” Toni waved as they left the shop.

Lovi flipped him off over his shoulder and slammed the door behind him, cutting off Toni’s bubbling laughter. Feli flinched and looked sorrowfully at the cheerful storefront, “L-Lovi? Can’t we stay a little longer? You know how much I love to look at the lights!”

“Look while we walk.” Was the sharp reply, “We’re done here.”

Feli grumbled but followed obediently behind his brother.

_(Time skip brought to you by Feli’s angelic grace and majesty)_

“Oh my Gooooods.” Lovi groaned, raking his fingers over his face, “Why can’t they just shut _up?!_ ”

Feli tilted his head at his brother, “Who?”

“Those morons down in the valley! Their singing is going to make me puke!” Lovi growled.

“I think it’s nice.” Feli replied defiantly.

Lovi rolled on his bed, onto his stomach, pulled his pillow over his head, “Oh of course you would.”

Lovi groaned again and swung his legs out of bed before stomping out the door. He glared down at Who-ville and cupped his hands over his mouth, “F*CK YOUUUUU!”

Feli watched curiously from the doorway as Lovi paced back and forth, muttering angrily in Italian. Finally, he reverted back to English, “Freaking Christmas. It’s tomorrow, Feli! Tomorrow!”

“Yeah?” Feli shrugged, “So?”

Lovi ran irritated fingers through his ear and glared down at the town from which the strains of Christmas music still floated, “I can’t take it anymore Feli! I’m sick and tired of this! Twenty-five years! That’s how long I’ve had to suffer through the holidays! And I’m done! I-”

He paused and, with a growl, rubbed his temples when the music increased in volume, “Ugh, Feli! Fetch me my sedatives!”

Feli rolled his eyes and went back in, coming out a few minutes later with some pills and a glass of water, “Gods, you’re dramatic.”

Lovi took the water and Ibproufen, downing the three blue capsules in one gulp. Then he stomped inside, “I need to lay down.”

“You’ve been in bed almost all day though!”

“Your point?”

Later, Lovi shot up in bed, eyes wide, “I got it!”

Feli jumped and glanced at Lovi, “W-what?”

Lovi grinned, “I’ve got it! I know how to stop Christmas!”

Feli gulped, “What?! Why do you want to stop Christmas?!”

“Because it’s a pointless nuisance.” Lovi replied, “Now, stop asking questions and help me. I need a Santa hat, coat, and pants. Oh, and boots.”

“B-but, what are you doing?!” Feli followed, wringing his hands, as his brother began to hurry around.

“Stealing Christmas!” Lovi said gleefully.

“You can’t do that!”

“Watch me!”

“No, you don’t understand, Lovi! Christmas isn’t an object! A thing! You can’t just steal it” Feli protested.

“Of course I can. I got some sacks, an old sled, I just need to nip in, take the presents and shiz, then dump it off a cliff! That’s all those morons care about, so I take it abd boom! No more Christmas!”

“No . . .that’s . . .not really right.” Feli frowned.

Lovi waved a hand, “Shut up, yes it is. Now come help me.”

_(Time skip so you can play “You’re a Mean One Lovi-Grinch” in your head)_

“I’m telling you fratello! This is a bad idea!” Feli whined.

“Shut up.” Lovi snapped as he hitched up the sleigh, “You’re a reindeer. You don’t get to talk.”

“I’m not a reindeer!” Feli protested.

Lovi pointed to the horn tied to Feli’s head, “Shush. Yes you are, you have the horn and everything.”

“I think this is stupid.”

“Once again, you’re a reindeer. Your opinions are invalid.”

Feli eyes the sleigh reproachfully, “I don’t want to pull that!”

“Do you think Santa’s reindeer want to pull that fat lug and all his crap around either? And you don’t see them complaining!”

“Reindeers don’’t talk, Lovi!”

“And yet here we are. Besides. You don’t need to do anything until we are bringing this thing up. You’ll be fine.”

Feli groaned, but hopped onto the sleigh. Lovi smirked and patted his head, “Good little reindeer.”

“Oh shush.”

He tired once more to protest as Lovi hopped onto the roof of the first house, “Is this really necessary?”

“Yes.” Was Lovi’s short reply as he headed to the chimney.

“You’ll get stuck.” Feli said skeptically as he watched.

“No I won’t.” Lovi said confidently.

And no, he did _not_ get stuck, thank you very much. Quiet as could be, Lovvi crept into the house and surveyed the room. Then he reached up and plucked the stockings off the mantle, “Hm. Pink and orange stockings. Tacky.”

Carefully, Lovi slunk around the house. Up the chimney wne the presents, and the food. Up went the decorations and treats, until the walls were free of color and the food for the Who’s feast was gone. Then, Lovi eyed the large Christmas tree. As he wne to pick it up, a voice from the top of the stairs stopped him.

“Hm? Who’s there?”

Lovi mouthed a curse as he ducked behind the tree. He know that voice. It was Tomato Bastard.

There was a gasp and feet down the steps, “Santa? Is that you?”

Lovi scowled, then with an attempt to disguise his voice, said, “Of course! Who elese would it be son?”

“Woah! Wait . .um . .Santa? Why are you taking my tree?”

Lovi forze, thinking quickly. Then he smiled, “Oh, don’t worry about that! You see, I was placing the presents and I noticed your tree had a light that wouldn’t light on one side. So I’m taking it back to my workshop. I’ll fix it there, and bring it back!”

There was a pause while Toni considered this, “Alright. But be sure to have it back . . .by . . .morning. . .ah shoot! Sorry Santa! I gotta go! I forgot I need to add the Vargas’ to my invite list for my Christmas party tomorrow! Good night and Merry Christmas!”

There were retreating footsteps as Toni bounded away. Lovi breathed a sigh of relief, then scowled, “Merry Christmas, my arse. I think not.”

Then he turned and stuffed the tree up the chimney.

_(Yet another time skip cuz I’m lazy af, brought by Toni’s stupidity.)_

Feli panted and slumped down in the snow on top of Mt. Crumpit, “Shoot. I am in pain. I hate you, you know.”

“Glad to know the feeling’s mutual.” Lovi snarked from where he was gazing down at Who-ville, “Now zip it. I’m listening.”

“For what?”

“For the anguished screams and cries of everyone down in the town. There waking up and I just know, pretty soon, they’ll be crying and wailing when they realize I took everything. I can’t wait.”

Feli shot Lovi’s back a reproachful look. But stayed silent. There was no sound for a while as they sat ther. Then, a noise drifted over the hills. But it wasn’t crying or screaming.

It was . . .singing!

Lovi blinked in shock, hardly believing his ears. They were _singing?!_ They were _happy?!_ When he had just taken everything important about Christmas from them? “B-but . . .I don’t understand. I took everything from them. Everything! How then . . .how can they still sound so happy! It’s stupid! It doesn’t make any sense!”

Feli sighed and plopped down beside his brother as he sank down into the snow, “I told you Lovi. Christmas isn’tt about the toys and the decorations and food. It’s about family and joy and love. It can’t be _taken._ Just . . .sometimes it gets forgotten.”

Lovi stared blankly at his feet. Something warm and wet tracked down his cheek and he swiped at it violently, “F-Feli? What’s happening? I feel all . . .fuzzy inside. And I’m leaking!”

Feli laughed softly and gave his brother a hug, “Lovi, you’re crying! You got so happy, that’s the fuzzy feeling, that you cried!

Lovi sniffed and rubbed his eyes, “Well that’s stupid.”

Before Feli could reply, there was a creak behind them. With a gasp, Lovi turned to see the sleigh beginning to slide and fall off the cliff. He sprang to his feet and leaped to grab hold of the sleigh. Lovi strained with all his might as he tried to pull it back up, “Feli . . .help!”

Feli jumped to comply, grabbing the back of Lovi’s coat. Still, the sleigh slid slowly down. Finally, Lovi relaxed with reluctant sigh, “It’s alright. It’s just toys ri-”

“Hey Lovi! Hey Feli!”

Lovi’s eyes snapped up and he gasped in horror. There was Toni, waving happily from atop the sleigh. Lovi called out, voice cracking with fear, “Tomato Bastard! What the heck are you doing up there?”

“Well, it’s kinda a long story. I’ll tell you later! But hey! Did you know the view from up here is amazing?”

“Toni, get down from there!” Feli cried.

There was no time. The sleigh was sliding faster. Then, with a cry of fearr, Lovi found on inhuman strength he didn’t know he possessed. With a mighty tug, he managed to pull the sleigh to safety. After pulling a little farther, just to be safe, Lovi slumped onto his back in the snow. His voice was tired, “Tomi, just get down from there, please?”

With a laugh, Toni complied. Lovi glared at him, “What the heck were you doing up there?”

“Well . . .as I said, long story. But to make it short, I wanted to invite you two to my Christmas party today. You weren’t home so I looked around and saw you guys here. So I came up and here we are!”

“But . . .” Feli frowned, “Why were you on the bags?”

Toni shrugged, “Dunno. It just felt right.”

With a sigh, Lovi stood, “Whatever weirdo. Let’s go. I believe, we have some presents to deliver.”

Feli grinned and nodded happily, “Yes. I daresay we do.”

_(Time skip is brought to you by Jim Carry’s wonderful portrayal of the Grinch.)_

“What the bloody hell is going on?” Officer Arthur Kirkland glared at the sleigh that had just crashed into town square.

With a grin, Toni hopped down. Feli and Lovi followed suit, “Morning Officer Kirkland!”

“Mr. Carriedo. Care to explain why you just hurtled into town like a madman with a sleigh of our Christmas stuff, along with the Vargas twins?”

Before Toni could reply, Lovi stepped forward and held up a hand, “Ah. That would be me.”

He flourished his hand dramatically, “I am the Grinch, who stole Christmas.”

Then he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans with a sigh, “Or tried to anyway. And . . .I’m sorry.”

Arthur eyed him, “Hm. Well-”

Francis Bonnefoy cut him off with a hand on his arm, “Cher, let me handle this. Mr. Vargas, nothing was lost or broken?”

“No. I mean, I may have dropped a couple candy canes along the way. But I’m pretty sure you guys sh*t those so I think it’s fine.”

Toni snorted a laugh and Francis’ eyes twinkled, “Well then, once everything is returned I don’t think there will be any reason to press charges. Arthur?”

“I suppose.” Arthur said slowly.

“Wonderful!”

So, with Feli and Toni’s help, Lovi gave back the presents. As everyone celebrated, Lovi and Toni sat on the sled. Toni smiled radiantly at his friend, who was smiling softly, “Aw, my short angry Italian is really just a big softy!”

Lovi wiped the smile off his face and replaced it with a scowl, blushing, “Am not! Neither am I _your_ anything!”

Toni laughed and, with a smirk, kissed Lovi’s cheek, then winked, “Not yet!”

Then Toni sauntered off, leaving Lovi redfaced and dumbstruck. After a moment, he chased after Toni, “Oi! What was that arsehole!”

Toni laughed gleefully and ran away.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. Hope you enjoyed my Christmas crack. Merry New Year, Happy Christmas, and jolly freaking Haunaka . . .or whatever. Bye.


End file.
